We Shouldn't be so Quick to Give Up On Our Marriage

                A significant item that I have learned about divorce is that there are actual stages of divorce. These stages are: emotional, legal, economical, co-parental, community and psychic.

If we ever start to have an emotional disconnection we need to do whatever we can to be able to remove this from our marriage. An emotional disconnect is the first thing that happens before people get divorced. A few examples of this is loss of respect and love.

Legal divorce is when the judge signs that papers that legally make you divorced. In some states they make people wait 6 months before the state will legally make you divorced because it has been shown that down the road people who have gotten divorced regret getting divorced. It is also proven that when couples stick it out they become more satisfied in their marriage and are glad that they didn’t get divorced

Economic divorce is the settlement of property. Splitting up all of the property between the couple.

Co-parental is the division of care to your children. The judge determines whether the husband or wife will take care of the children along with visitation rights. This is a very stressful time for the parents as well as the children.

Community divorce is the splitting up of your friends, church and whole community. This not only affects the two of you but also affects those around you that you aren’t related to. It can pull your friends apart from their spouses because it makes them have to pick a side and sometimes they pick opposite sides.

Psychic is regaining your individuality. This is a hard set to accomplish because in your marriage you have hopefully created your lives into one and so you have changed some of your views as well as become somewhat of a new person. When you get divorced you have to then dig through everything that you have created together and decide on who you are without your partner.

I think that by knowing these things and knowing that 70% of divorced couples regret there decision will help us to determine if we should really get out of the marriage or if we should stick it out together and see if we are able to grow closer together and have a more satisfying marriage. 

Parenting Styles

There are three main different types of parenting. These three ways are authoritarian/autocratic, permissive and authoritative/active. These three ways are very different. The most effective parenting approach is the authoritative/active parent.

Authoritarian/Autocratic

An authoritarian or autocratic parent is a parent that is control orientated which most of the times comes out being manipulative. They may cut their children down, make the children feel grief. This makes the child feel like their value as a person is dependent upon adults. They are given few choices and love and acceptance is based off of their obedience and compliance to their parent. The parent is more like the child has to respect them and if not you better watch out.

Permissive

            A permissive parent is a parent that is neglecting their child’s needs. The parent lets the child have full reign and gives them lots of choices with very few or no consequences. The parent gives little direction and puts in little effort. This parent is more like a buddy rather than a guide. This type of parent may feel like they are helping their child but they are really neglecting them. Children of all ages not understand the effects of choices made when they are young.

Authoritative/Active

            An authoritative/active parent is the most rewarding kind of parent. These parents are friendly but yet are firm. They talk on their children’s level, not above as being more powerful. These parents are consisted in consequences and are long term orientated. This does not mean they don’t let their children make mistakes but they are about to teach their children from these mistakes.

There is actually a website in which we are able to determine what type of parent we are. This website is http://www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz.

            All children need to learn these five basic qualities. These basic but important qualities are responsibility, cooperation, respect, courage and self-esteem. We, as parents need to be accepting of our children. We need to treat them how we would like to be treated and teach by example. We also need to work together with them and have the same concept in mind when we are trying to teach them. But the most important times that you have taught your children is when you are not thinking about teaching them. Think about this. What is one important item that your parents taught you growing up? Was it when they say you down and gave you a talk? Was it when you got yelled at? Or was is when your parents weren’t trying to teach you anything? We learn best through natural consequences. These qualities are all best learned when parents are authoritative/active parents. Children need friendly but firm parents.

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them." - President Thomas S. Monson

Should mothers stay at home instead of work?

In the article, Does a full time Homemaker swap her mind for a mop, it says that those people who listen regularly to his talk shows now more about the economics, politics, current events, world affairs and so on compared to those who work full time. This is very intriguing to me because if I would be a full time working mom I would feel like I would know more about the world then someone who stays at home all day and take care of her children. I also really like how he describes that those who work aren't developing their mind as much as those who are in the home.

           I feel like it is very important for the mother to be educated because you never know what circumstances will occur in our lives. We need to be prepared for everything. But I feel like it is best to have a stay at home mom. I feel this way because we as mothers are the means to develop and teach our children. Yes they have school, but school can only go so far. They need the different type of learning that only a mother can give. I really like how even the prophets have also counseled that a women’s greatest work will be within the walls of her home. This testifies to me how important mothers are in the home. When we are home I still believe that we should keep ourselves updated in the worldy things because the trails that we went through in our lives will be different than what our children will have to go through and so I feel it is important to know about the world and the things that are currently happening. This information can be in books, articles, some television, community classes, blogs, newspapers you name it. If you are willing to learn for yourself and your children then you will be able to learn what is needed. 

http://www.dennisprager.com/does-a-full-time-homemaker-swap-her-mind-for-a-mop/

The Apostles Pattern of Communication that We Should use in our Lives

       The Apostles of our church have a specific order in which they direct there meetings each week. There order in which they follow is very important and we are able to learn a lot from them if we use this order in our lives whether it be marriage or with roommates. To start off the Apostles always have a specific spot in which they will meet and they have a certain time set aside for it. They hold their meetings every week in the temple. This is their holy area but we are able to conduct these meetings in our homes as well because they are a holy area. The specific order that they follow will be explained below in these six steps. I will also state the importance of using this pattern in our own lives and marriages.

1.       The Brethren always get to the meeting a little bit early so they are able to express their love for one another. They are able to really understand each other and get to know the things that are going on in their lives as well as their family’s lives. We should do this so we are building a strong relationship with our spouse and those around us. If we don’t truly care about one another then how are we supposed to get to a consensus?

2.       They then begin with a pray to start off the meeting. This brings the spirit into the room and makes it so they are able to follow upon what Heavenly Father wants them to do and not just there selves. This is very important because we need to be wanting what Heavenly Father wants for us and not be egocentric.

3.       After the prayer they talk about the agenda. They don’t just get to the meeting and say, ‘well what do you want to talk about today’. They have specific items that they need to talk about and cover. When they cover them they do it with openness and an objective. This is very important because we need to know what we are having the meeting for and we need to both be on the same page. This will make life easier. Brother Williams suggested having a piece of paper on the fridge and when we run into things throughout the week that we would like to talk about we should write them down. If as we go throughout the week and what we wanted to talk about has been fixed or taken care of we are now able to cross it off of the list. The list will help each other to understand better what each other’s feeling are and what principles they need to work on together. The Brethren have an objective and openness which is what we should have as well. Our objective that we should strive to get to it finding the truth in what the Lord wants to happen. Our openness should not be brutal honest but we should be open enough that we are able to accept what your spouse thoughts are with an open mind.

4.       The next step is to discuss everything to a consensus with regard to what the Lord wants. Consensus is different form compromise. Coming to a consensus means that everyone is able to come to the same decision rather than bending one another’s idea to get to a compromise. This is also shown by taking time to understand what everyone thinks and has a say. We are counseling together not just delegating to one person. We are all in this together and we should be happy in the answers that we come to.

5.       They also end with a prayer. This helps everyone to continue to have the spirit with them and we should be thanking Heavenly Father for giving us the answers and being able to come to a consensus about the items we talked about.

6.       Like at the first of their meeting they take time to be able to talk to each other about their personal lives and express their love for one another. To do this at the end of each meeting they have refreshments. This helps bring everyone closer and to understand each other better. We should always do something to express our love for our spouse at the end of meetings. This will help us to remain close and to build a stronger relationship with them.

This process is very important in communication and problem solving in marriages. We should all strive to follow this pattern that has been shown to us. It will help us in communication with each other.

How Do You Cope in Stressful Experiences?

It is inevitable to have stress in a marriage. We are all natural human beings. We take things to personal, we assume our spouse meant one thing when they meant the other or have the death of a child or loved one. Along with stress comes many feelings and we create our own way of coping with the stress whether it is negative or positive.

The negative ways we let our feelings show is we communicate less to our spouse and tend to shut down. When we do this most the time we turn inward and don’t speak about our feelings. This leads to feeling shame and doubt. We may start to blame ourselves or those around us for causing the stress.

The positive way we should interact and cop with this stress though is to turn towards each other for support. You are both going through the same struggle and helping each other out seeing each other’s sides or the experience can help greatly.  We need to also utilize our resources. This can either be other family members, church groups or having people come and babysit so your spouse and you can get away for a couple hours. We need to express our emotions and realize that this situation won’t last a life time. It will get better.

The most important thing to realize is that coping with a situation doesn’t mean that all of a sudden everything is going to be alright. Coping through a situation is making the necessary little changes so that in the future the whole picture and experience will all fit together better. Coping isn’t just trying to get by. 

Accomplishing our Wants will Never Lead us to Happiness and Satisfaction

 Have you ever been discouraged because you can’t satisfy your wants? Have you ever longed at the idea of being content? I have, but I have been able to realize that contentment can never come from out wants. Our ‘wants’ in life whether they are goals we have set for ourselves, money, cars, an education or a family can never be the deciding factor for our happiness and satisfaction. We will always continue to have wants in life whether they get fulfilled or not. But by searching through our wants we will be able to understand what we really need in life. We will be able to discern our wants from our needs. When we are able to achieve this, we will finally be able to satisfy our cravings. We will be content. We will be comfortable. We will be relaxed. But most importantly, we will be happy. This is what we all strive for in life. Happiness is one of the most important role in all of our lives. If we are able to be happy in our doings we are much richer than those people who strive for all their lives trying to reach this state of happiness that we have been able to achieve.

“You can never get enough of what you don’t need because what you don’t need can’t satisfy you.”

Transition to Marriage

           The transition to marriage is not an easy thing to do. We have all grew up in different homes with parents that have different views. Because of this we have different ideas about how things should be ran in the home. But when we get married we have to be able to put aside our views and be able to create a plan together. A few of these plans we have to create together are dividing up the chores and responsibility in the home.  We have to be accepting of each other’s flaws. The most important thing though is to forgive one another no matter what and being accepting of each other. If we are able to put away our judgments and look to each other for support we will be better off in the marriage. 

Rules of Attraction

Have you ever thought about the meaning of the words dating and courtship. The world’s view of dating has changed drastically from what it used to be. The worlds view on the word ‘dating’ is that the couple are officially boyfriend/girlfriend. But the old view, like what our grandparents think, is that we go on dates with a bunch of people and get to know all of them until we find one specific person that we think we could possibly have a future with. And then you begin your courtship. Which is preparing more and getting to know that person more directly and seeing if you both are compatible with each other. As well these different views on the word 'dating' that have been changed around we also discussed three rules of attraction that are very important in courtship.

These rules of attraction for courtship are; nearness to access, physical attraction and similarity’s.  Nearness to access is being close in proximity. This is important in courtship because people that live in the same area tend to have the same ideas about life and tend to like to do the same things. The next rule is physical attraction. We have been able to recognize from this class that we are attracted towards people that have the same personality as ourselves or as our family. This physical attraction is not only appearance but the person’s health, interest, personality, traits and behavioral tendencies. The last rule is similarities. We need to be able to have similarities with the person we are courting. A lot of people things that we should marry opposites but this usually creates more issues than it helps them. And therefore we should court people that are similar to us. 

Courtship to Marriage

In The family: A Proclamation for the World it talks about how men should provide, preside and protect. This not only goes for your husband but should apply to the guy that is courting you. The male should provide for the date which refers to being able to pay for things in life. Paying for dates helps with providing as a future husband because it shows how well they are at budgeting, as well as showing that they can have fun while being cheap but occasionally expensive. The second characteristic is to preside. To preside is that same as planning. This shows how good they are at leadership and shows that if they will be able to take a lead in the family structure. The last one is to protect. This leads as the paired off which means knowing who you are with for that group date. This is important because it shows if he will take responsibility for you as well as you taking responsibility for him. We need to help each other out and keep each other out of trouble.

 https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation

Does Gender Really Matter?

Heavenly father has stated in the family proclamation that we are all created in the image of him and that we are sons and daughters of heavenly parents. With this he also states that gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. Therefore I believe that we are each created for a certain purpose and for our purposes our gender plays a large role. But with being born for our certain purposes we should be treated equal to one another. We are all sons and daughters to our Heavenly Father.

Being sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father we should treat each other as our brothers and sisters and help each other to grow. We need to build each other up and teach each other all principles and characteristic. Children should learn the same things and grow up to participate in whatever activities they would like and not have gender role to where they aren’t able to play that because that’s a boy’s toy or a girls. But with being our own person and being able to participate in whatever activities we should also teach specific qualities that they need to have per gender. In The Family, A Proclamation to the World it states:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. (https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation)

Therefore we need to teach our sons how to be a good fathers and hard workers so they can be the support of the family and we need to teach a daughter how to be a nurturing mothers. With these characteristic both men and women, boys and girls should all learn them but some of these characteristics are more prevalent in one gender or another.

Circumstances can change these responsibilities though. My mother, before she had my oldest brother, had gotten in a three wheeler accident and became a paraplegic. She broke her back and has no movement in her legs. She has been in a wheelchair ever sense. Along with this my parents got divorced when I was little. So at my house we grew up knowing that we all had to pitch in. There were things that my mother couldn't do or things that were harder for her to do because of her disability. Therefore for me, I have learned to be a hard worker and to help out all those around me as well as I have learned by helping her cook how to cook myself. My mother is a great example to me and with everything that she has been through she is almost never negative. She takes life as it comes and teaches us to do the same. I admire her and love her so much.

 

Family Structures DO Matter!

This week we talked about how being in different classes and cultures affects the family. I really liked one of the statements that Brother Williams said. It follows as is: “do no underestimate that some family structures are better than others.”  This is a very controversial statement but, I agree with it. A family structure is whether the parents are married and living together, living together and not married, separated, single moms or dads, divorced, gays or lesbians.

                From this week I have learned that the family structure really does matter. It is proven in studies that children with parents that are intact are better off in society than any other children. Parents in other circumstances can be really good parents and role models but having two parents in the home are usually better able to provide for the family, create a good home environment and have good role models to become good mothers and fathers in the future.

I have learned this concept in my own life. My parents got divorced when I was really young and I had a harder time understanding what each parent’s roles were. When I was young, because I didn’t remember them ever living together, I didn’t understand that moms and dads were supposed to live together and one day after being at a friend’s house I asked my mom about this. Because of everything my mom went through and because a lot of the times we don’t realize that our children might not understand she had no idea that I didn’t know this concept in life. And she helped explain this to me. But other than this I am able to look at my life and see how different it would have been if my parents hadn’t have gotten divorced. But we all learn to deal with the trials that we have been dealt with. I have been able to learn a lot and am now able to understand that in some circumstances you have to do what you have to do to get by. I love both of my parents very much and I know they want what’s best for me. I hope that with this we will all be able to really take into consideration how our family structures really do affect our lives as well as our children’s lives and that we need to do what is best for them.

The Four Theories of Marriage and Dating

This week in class we talked about four different theories that go along with dating and marriage. These four theories start with the family system which shows how each part in a family is necessary. Exchange theory which is weighing the pros and the cons. Symbolic interaction theory which is when we are more affected by our own thoughts then what the person that stated it really meant. And the last theory is the conflict theory which in any relationship there will be some conflict.

            I have come to understand these four theories extremely better then what I thought of them before. These four theories all play a huge role in our lives. In our family right now as well as our future family we need to be able to include everyone. This will help us out extremely. We need to be able to weigh out the pros and cons to each relationship that is in our lives and determine for ourselves if it is worth it or not. If it’s not worth it get out! It will most likely be destructive. We also need to be able to understand what others mean by what they say. Not just our own interpretation of what we think they mean. This can be crucial because we all have our own way of interpreting others because we have all grown up in different circumstances. Last of all is the conflict theory. I think the biggest thing for conflict is being able to compromise. Compromising is a great skill that we need to continue to build and grow. I think a lot of the marriages that tend to have issues is because neither side wants to compromise. Compromising is the key to relationships and will reduce the conflict within it.

            I believe these are all extremely important concepts in dating and marriage. And I hope by writing this is will help any of those who read this.

"It's not just about the here and now, it's about eternity"

Most of the general public would rather work and go on great adventures in life then having to settle down and have children. And when they think about children they think that how many children they have depends just on how many the family wants.

I believe that in the pre-mortal life we all accepted his plan to come down to earth to be able to obtain a physical body and gain earthly experiences and progress toward perfection. In accepting his plan we all have specific roles we are supposed to achieve here on earth. One of those roles, which is for everyone to multiply and replenish the earth. President Brigham Young stated “if not my family, whose family would these innocent spirits go to”.  This doesn’t mean that we should go out of wedlock and conceive children but that when we get married we should consult with Our Heavenly Father to see if the right time is now. We can also consult him with how many children we should have. President Kimball said “it will be tough financially but those of us who are able to and do, we will be able to make it work”.  I agree with him. We postpone having children because we think we can’t afford them or that we won’t be able to give them the life they should have. If we don’t have Heavenly Fathers spirit children then they may go to a home that is less caring. He also states “children that are grown up to where they have to work through hardships and some struggles are more likely to grow up and carry the lord’s work”. Therefore if we are doing our part in his plan then he will help us through the struggles and hardships we have or that we may have. Life won’t be perfect because trials help us to learn and grow but we will receive the help that he sees necessary.

Families are ordained of God and I have certain spirit children waiting for me to bring them into the world and I need to be prepared to do so.

My Journey

I am from a little town called Mud Lake Idaho.My passions are sports and being outside. I can be really shy when I first meet people or start new classes but once I get conformable I can be really loud and fun. I never thought I would make a blog but i'm attending BYU-I and for one of my classes we are suppose to write insights that we get from this class. This class is about families and having a successful marriage. So throughout this semester I hope I will be able to give you insights that I have had to be able to help any of you in your lives.